These years, perhaps the thing I am best at is escaping.
Escaping from family, escaping from emotions, escaping... I feel like I can't go on.
I can still remember the first day I came out of that place, and it turned out to be the beginning of my escape. After that, the linear life that used to be so simple was completely torn apart. I discovered that there were so many possibilities outside of the norm, and that the linear line became colorful and harmonious.
So I chose a path that was more vibrant and turbulent. Without a doubt, this choice, those two or three months of summer, completely changed my life.
Choice also means resistance. The struggle between change and stability has tortured me to the point of despair. The initial two months of confrontation, or rather, escape, no, it was a romantic escape. Looking back now, I feel that it was a feat that I can never replicate in my lifetime. It was a journey embarked upon solely on impulse, and I never realized how vast the world was as I traveled from place to place, gaining a group of people willing to accompany me. And as long as there was that affection, there was no place we couldn't reach. At least, that's what I thought at the time.
But I exhausted myself. After two detours, I was no longer able to resist. The stone that weighed on my heart disappeared completely.
After that, I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder, along with post-traumatic stress disorder as a bonus.
I worry about everything, anxious about everything. I'm afraid of any form of departure. Medication seems to have no effect on me, it just makes me want to vomit. Sometimes I forget to take my medication, so I end up taking the rest all at once, and the next day I can't even get out of bed.
Emotions, emotions, they're everywhere. They're so heavy that the places I used to be able to reach have become forbidden. I'm becoming more and more afraid to take a step, to say even a single word. So I cut off all the connections and became completely trapped in place.
My youth was frozen in that moment, losing the opportunity to grow, and I was trapped there, unable to mature. The world no longer existed.
No one has the heart to confront someone like me, so I gained complete autonomy in this absurd way, almost losing another important person in the process. In human terms, it means "freedom."
That one thing that changed it all. That one sin that caused the fall.
This is probably what it means to be free in life, yet still trapped in chains.
In the blink of an eye, those who were willing to accompany me are still here, but the person by my side has changed. So I wait for Godot.
In another blink of an eye, there was a small fire in the northwest, and a big fire in Shanghai. After that, I don't even know what a mask is anymore. But those who were previously under control are now out on the streets, and those who were out on the streets are now locked up. And I'm still waiting for Godot.
In yet another blink of an eye, the lament of the golden age came to an end with the finale of the three-year pandemic. It can never return to its former state, the earth keeps spinning, and the internet remains noisy. And I'm still waiting for Godot.
The New Year's Eve of this year was a farewell to the golden age. Motoharu Sano, the lead singer of Southern All Stars, came up and performed a small theater piece, shouting out the outdated old B'z rock band. The lyrics go like this:
One day someday
Before you know it
Like in a drama, the times have changed
Listening and thinking, I forgot about the New Year's countdown and entered 2023. The script of the era changes faster than the script of a TV drama. The world truly no longer exists, or rather, the world I was familiar with is long gone. So let's run away, escape from the era.
This process is like running in the opposite direction, facing my past self, while that self always hoped that I would move forward. Just keep going, even if I might miss something, but she can't see what I missed or what was taken away from me. It's okay, I forgive you, I'm just afraid that you won't forgive me.
She wrote me a letter before, when she was still in high school, sealed in a green envelope, expressing her hopes for the future. She said, "I don't seek fame or fortune, nor do I want those illusory things. I don't want you to stand out, I just want you to find a place to settle down and live according to your own wishes, to become the person you want to be."
Looking at it now, she was such a good person. It's me who should apologize.
I would tell her in a cliché but sincere way, I'm sorry, I made your life so miserable, and even destroyed your future.
I'm sorry, I broke your vow to never smoke, and now I'm almost smoking a pack a day.
I'm sorry, after that major shock, I couldn't let you be a normal woman, no, just an ordinary woman. But you have to follow me on this, because gender is just a construct created by society.
I'm sorry, when you weren't looking, I cut myself and took drugs, causing your mind to malfunction.
I'm sorry, I couldn't find a good way to escape the era, and you could only watch helplessly as the leaders went crazy.
She held my hand and told me that even though I smoke and drink, I'm a cool person.
I envy you, you no longer live in the village, you can go to Shanghai to watch film festivals, and you've even seen Wan Qing perform live. These are things I would never dare to imagine.
You have come so much further than me, you have always been running without stopping. You are more confident than me, even though you tremble when speaking in public, but I don't even have the opportunity to speak, and I don't understand a single bit of queer theory.
I used to draw too, but the sketches I copied from paper dolls can't compare to your exhibition piece that was confiscated by the authorities.
You're amazing, you saved two children who were contemplating suicide in different places.
Most importantly, you are truly needed by someone now, you truly have someone who sincerely accompanies you, and you truly are the person I want to become. To be loved, to be needed, and even to have power, these are things I dare not imagine.
It's not your fault that you've become like this, I've long lost hope in the Earth and its people. Do you think you brought this upon yourself? Can you cure the sickness that the era has brought upon you alone?
The mainframe has a small capacity, so I probably didn't remember everything my past self said. But as I was licking my wounds, this year abruptly came to an end.
Breaking free from the linear life, I became a wandering gypsy. Life is no longer as turbulent as it was at the beginning, I can spread my wings, but I can't fly. These are everything from these past few years.
I have never compromised, I still carry thorns, and I can still mock those pretending to be mature. I'm still grateful that I chose this path, even though I'm still licking my wounds, even though I'm still waiting for Godot. But I truly love these experiences, I truly love the people around me, and even those who have left.
This choice, people who point fingers will say it's taking the long way around. And there are two reasons for taking the long way around: one is that there are people or things on the main road that I don't want to see, and the other is that the scenery on the long way around is more enduring than the usual road.
The world truly cannot be found anymore, I think. And I still occasionally look back at that corner, because only before the corner, there is the familiar and irreplaceable world, with everything I cherish, because there, I have to take the long way around.
And then, freedom is an illusion, the past is all illusions, and the future is unpredictable. How do I break free from this predicament?
2024 is cracking its whip, making a loud noise all the way.
(Note: This translation is a creative interpretation and may not be an exact word-for-word translation. The goal is to convey the meaning and essence of the original text.)