A few days before New Year's Eve, I took the high-speed train back to my hometown. As expected, I experienced physical discomfort on the way to the train station, and my stomach started to bother me. Whether it's New Year's or not, these moments are always the most embarrassing. To be honest, I wanted to cut off my stomach and live on liquid nutrition. The similarity between taking the airport subway and taking a taxi to the train station is that you have to endure a journey of more than twenty minutes without a restroom. Every second of embarrassment feels like an eternity.
Fortunately, I made it to the high-speed train in time after coming out of the train station restroom. I didn't pay much attention to the scenery along the way, as I was still at odds with my body.
After getting off the train and waiting in front of the station, my old father came to pick me up on a scooter. He is in his sixties and loves to talk. I admit that I am not a good listener, especially when it comes to him. When he started to say, "At your age, you should...", I instinctively pressed the button on my earphones, and with a thud, the world became quiet, with only the sound of music. When he turned his head back, all I could do was smile and pretend to be comforted by his words.
However, even though I couldn't hear what he was saying, my mind was filled with his words about "taking the right path". As for what the right path is, I have no idea. My ears were filled with noise, and I didn't want to listen. But it kept piercing me.
There is no New Year atmosphere, no liveliness. Even staying in a small room in my hometown, I still can't breathe. I can only immerse myself in the modern life that I despise to fight against the dark clouds above my head, which makes me feel a little better. Fortunately, I can't hear the nagging in my old house anymore. Life is not bad, and the relationships are still harmonious.
This kind of life lasted for a few days, and I finished most of the tasks at hand. New Year's Eve had arrived. My family took me to my mother's hometown in the countryside to reunite.
Putting aside the simplicity and contentment of the rural residents, the countryside is more comfortable than the city. My mother's sister's second child, who is in elementary school, is being bullied by classmates just like I was at that age. Learning taekwondo is useless. Maybe it can defend against punches, but not against isolation. He still unknowingly enjoys his days, and now he is at the age to enjoy the New Year. After all, the big bag of Wangwang snacks on the sofa is a New Year's gift exclusively for children of his age. I used to receive two or three bags at his age. When he and his parents talk about things at school, I always end up crying, but during the New Year, people don't have the right to express negative emotions.
My mother's sister's first child has a formal job, unlike me. She has a dog named Zhu Niu, but she treats Zhu Niu as her daughter. I thought this was a normal thing, but her parents made fun of her. They said things like, "You treat a dog as family, when are you going to have children?" She is affectionate towards Zhu Niu, kissing her from time to time. If she were a cool person, she would realize that Zhu Niu is a member of her chosen family. She, like me, has to endure mansplaining from her father, mother, or mother-in-law.
At this point, I spoke up and said, "New Year's is supposed to be a happy time, not a time to make people feel uncomfortable."
After dinner, it was already 8 o'clock. I opened the 74th Red and White Song Battle on my computer and enjoyed it remotely with a few friends. At this time, the TV should have been showing the CMG Spring Festival Gala, but the children were occupying the TV watching cartoons, and no one remembered to watch the Spring Festival Gala tonight. It wasn't until someone caught a glimpse of my computer screen.
"Are you watching the Spring Festival Gala?"
"This is the Red and White Song Battle, I don't watch those."
It was only at this moment that someone remembered to watch the Spring Festival Gala and hurriedly brought the TV remote control to switch to CGTN Spanish channel. It was indeed the Spring Festival Gala, but completely dubbed in Spanish. This was confusing. Why couldn't I understand it? Then someone came over to help switch to CCTV1.
You see, nowadays no one watches TV anymore. They can't even find the channel to watch the Spring Festival Gala.
I didn't care and just watched the newly released Chinese subtitles of the Red and White Song Battle. Suddenly, I saw Huang Bo singing on TV. I heard him sing, "In fact, you may not understand my story later, I am full of pain." I couldn't help but think of him singing "I don't want to become a dragon or a phoenix, I just want to live in happiness" ten years ago. It made my family laugh, so I posted a tweet:
"2014 Huang Bo: An 80-square-meter small nest, with a gentle... 2024 Huang Bo: You can't understand my story later, I am full of pain." - Maboroshi 影 (@Angel__calling) February 9, 2024
In the past ten years, things have changed rapidly. I remembered that ten years ago, there was a sense of vitality, a feeling that everything would get better, and happiness was not far away. I thought that by opening my mouth, I could see the future and by closing my mouth, I could look into the distance. Who knew it was just the afterglow of the golden age? I laughed for a while, but then I couldn't laugh anymore.
At 11 o'clock, I left the countryside and went to the temple for the first visit of the year. On the way, I passed by a fireworks stall. My mother stopped the car and asked if I wanted to buy fireworks. She knew that I cared about the New Year atmosphere, and it wouldn't be New Year without fireworks. But what she didn't know was that I no longer had the mood for the New Year. I was no longer one of the happiest people during the New Year. So I said, forget it.
The car drove another twenty meters before I hesitated and asked the driver to stop. I got out of the car and went to buy fireworks. One box of sparklers, one tube of firecrackers, and four small fireworks, a total of sixty yuan.
When I arrived at the temple, the parking lot was full of cars. I didn't expect so many people. The parking lot was full, and the traffic police were patrolling and issuing tickets with their red and blue lights on. I was about to say it's really dark to be doing this on New Year's, but then I heard someone say that there would be no fines today. That was a relief.
I climbed the stairs slowly, but still didn't reach my destination at midnight. So I ran to a place where there was no one and lit a firework, shouting to the crowd, "みんな、よいお年を！" But no one understood what I was saying. Maybe I was just going crazy, but I felt no ripples in my heart. I thought this was just an ordinary day. I found a pit in the temple, lit some incense, and made a symbolic bow. The first visit of the year was done, and New Year's Eve passed by in a daze.
On the second day, the first day of the lunar calendar, there was nothing special. In the afternoon, I took my mother to a karaoke bar to sing. The karaoke bar was old and the sound system was not good. It was hard to hear what I was singing. I chose to sing a song by ado and strained my voice to finish it. Then I chose a song by Masaki Suda called "Niji" and couldn't help but burst into tears when I reached the chorus. My mother comforted me as usual, but mixed in with some words like "children shouldn't cry during the New Year." Indeed, we Chinese people don't have the right to express our anger or sorrow during the New Year. I only remembered crying when I watched Stand by Me Doraemon and when I saw the music video of this song on MTV.
On the third day, the second day of the lunar calendar, my old father took me to the countryside to visit relatives. It was pleasant and relaxing to walk in the fields and bask in the sun. I smelled the newly bloomed rapeseed flowers and stood on the riverbank, looking at the dry river while smoking a cigarette. It felt like this was how life should be. But as soon as we sat down at the dinner table, the tension returned. The adults said we should understand social etiquette, so my father took me around to toast. I could come up with a few words to say, but when I listened to the elders' mansplaining while holding the wine glass, my hand suddenly became stiff, and I had to prevent the riverbank from bursting. After it was all over, I hurriedly escaped and played house with the children. I finally made it through that day.
On the fourth day, the third day of the lunar calendar, there was nothing special either. After lunch, I went to the cinema to watch a New Year's film that caught my interest. I realized that the last time I watched a New Year's film was about ten years ago. Since then, I haven't been exposed to this kind of thing. I chose a screening with good sound effects. This time, Tong Taoqiang was no longer a lumberjack at Bear Mountain but a coder working in the big city. He became a captive of secular values such as working hard for promotion and pay raise, willing to sacrifice and endure mortgage pressure. I realized that this New Year's film was not for children to watch, but for adults to resonate with. Children wouldn't understand words like secular values and self-choice. But at least Tong Taoqiang, after realizing his unhappiness, could choose to return to Bear Mountain. The adults in front of the screen had no choice but to calculate their days in a daze.
On the fifth day, the fourth day of the lunar calendar, relatives and friends came to my house to visit. I realized that I didn't like this kind of liveliness. The more lively it was, the more it emphasized my loneliness. I realized that I was no longer the happiest person during the New Year. I was the object of scrutiny under the mansplaining of the elders. My identity, my identity, my value, all had to give way to these traditional words, and I was forced to erase myself. I realized that what should have been a happy holiday was a time when I couldn't be myself, and I was unhappy. The adults were busy entertaining guests and playing cards, and they were not happy either. The young people were just going through the motions and being compared in various ways, and they were not happy either. The children were forced to recite ancient poems and do homework during this time, and they were not happy either.
I decided to leave my hometown tomorrow and decline all New Year's banquets.
But it was difficult to get tickets on the ticketing website. At the train station, I could see people carrying large and small bags. I was sure they were either returning home or about to travel. It could also be people returning to work, as the next day was the day to return to work in Hong Kong. I might be one of the few people who hurriedly left.
However, every street and every person's mouth remained closed, unable to utter a word.
So I took a deep breath and walked against the crowd.
I continued walking and returned to my own path.
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The original link is https://next.dscf.one/posts/works/escape-from-lunar-new-year